Golf Rant


golfveld / golf course (Photo taken in Goa, India)
Image via Wikipedia

Golf makes me ponder
life’s eternal mysteries
and scratch my head
thinking
how hard can it be
to hit a stationary object
from a stationary position
with the sun shining in your eyes
three hundred and fifty yards from a four-inch hole?

Did I mention
that you have to swing with
your inferior hand and arm
not the one you are used to using
NOPE–the OTHER ONE
the arm and hand that has a mind of its own
that would bitch slap you if it could
and who is the jack ass who invented this game anyway?

I mean whose idea was it
to sink a white dimpled ball into a four-inch hole
in FOUR strokes or less
two of those strokes being putts?

Putting being a key component of mastering the game
because that hole
is getting smaller as we speak
and don’t tell anyone this
but I saw the hole move
to the right
on more than one occasion
and it’s always after I make my putt
And No I wasn’t drinking!

This makes me think
that you have to be either manic
or a serious alcoholic
to keep up
with moving holes, undulating greens and passing cloud bursts
because on the off-chance
that you aren’t either of those
you would have to
spend every spare moment
PRACTICING
or LIVE ON the Golf Course
and we all know that people who live on golf courses
don’t play golf
because those little white balls
crash through their windows
from time to time
annoying the family pet
who has more pressing things on his mind
like how to get out of the weekly
grooming appointment
because darling Mr. Pepper
doesn’t do Frufuu
and he ain’t wearing
No Stinkin Pink Bows!

So that wayward golf ball
crashing through the window
could set this stressed out canine off
resulting in some pretty nasty repercussions
like rapid fire barking and
confiscating said golf ball
producing a domino effect
witnessed by other stressed out golfers
intent on hitting
their stationary ball
now distracted
and missing their shot
aiming instead at
the aforementioned poodle
with the pink bow
who has a white golf ball
with YOUR NAME ON IT
in his mouth
and won’t let said player
have it back
who in turn
won’t let anyone else play through.

Now have I mentioned
that the rules state
to play the ball as it lies
or take a two stroke penalty?

I mean have you heard of anything dumber
than playing a game where
you are expected to penalize yourself
AND be honest about it?

I’ll give you a minute to think about it.

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